It’s been a little while since I encountered a person nut-worthy enough to ship to Crazy Town. Personally, I can’t believe it’s taken this long. And this one is a guy. I think that’s a first.
He might have been between 23 and 25. Normal looking. He was returning something. (Aren’t they always?) Anyway, he had the bag and the receipt. He had the merchandise for just 3 days. He didn’t have the tags, but we can work around that. They fall off sometimes. I asked if there was a problem with the item and he told me he just didn’t like it anymore. That’s fine. I asked to see the merchandise. He presented to me, a pair of jeans. Soaking wet.
I’m sure I looked puzzled, I was puzzled. I asked him what happened to them, why they were wet. He said “They’re not wet. I never wore them.” I cannot tell you enough how much I hate people who lie about dumb things. I said “Feel them, they don’t feel wet to you?” I thought I was going crazy. He said, “No, can I just have my money back? I don’t like them.” For my own sanity, I put the jeans on top of a sheet of paper. When I lifted them up, the paper was clearly damp. I told him to hang on a second. I went in the back to my boss. “What do you think about these pants?” I threw them to him. “They’re wet” he said.
I’m not delusional after all.
When I came back, he said “You have to take them back. I wore them to the club and now I want to return them and get another pair. I can’t wear them again. It was raining, that’s why they’re wet.” I had to explain to him that you can’t just buy stuff, wear it out, and then return it. He said, “I do that with everything. That way, I don’t have to keep buying clothes I’ll only wear once. So, I bought this. I wore it. And now you’re going to return it for me. Then I’ll get a new pair.”
Moron. Moron. Moron.
I got an approval to do an exchange this one time only, and I may or may not have told him he wasn’t allowed to return anything anymore, ever, under any circumstance. Maybe I told him that… maybe I didn’t.
He agreed. Then started looking around.
I escaped. I went on my hour break because I could not look at him any longer. I pawned him off on another manager, went home, ate, came back… and he was still in the store! Why? Because the kid has issues. Everyone in the store was happy to put him back in my possession. So sweet.
I got rid of him 3 torturous hours later.
And now he will stay in Crazy Town. And if I see him again, I’m running.