People move into Crazy Town pretty seldom, but I had something very rare happen the other day: two people in one day packed their bags and joined the rest of the misfits.

#1.  LIAR, LIAR (pants on fire):

This one happened in the store.  An associate called me over the headset with a request to help her out at the register, as someone was upset about who knows what.  As I approached, two ladies (a mother/daughter duo) were standing at the register with two shirts and a receipt.  I asked how I could help them and the mother proceeded to tell me that she wanted to return the two items.  Okay, easy.  The two shirts were $10 each, marked down to clearance and an extra 50% off that price.  “Would you like store credit or did you want to exchange them?” I asked.  She tells me, “I want my money back on my card.”  I told her that clearance merchandise could only be exchanged for another item or store credit.  It’s basically the same at every store, sale merchandise is usually final.

She asked me where there was a sign that said that in the store.  Conveniently, there is one directly in front of every register.  I pointed it out to her and her daughter chimed in, “It’s a law that during the holidays, you’re supposed to have signs all over the store that state your policy.  We shouldn’t be responsible for reading this tiny print!”  I haven’t heard of this newly devised law, because it doesn’t exist.  I tell her that the policy is available for customers to read, regardless of the print size.  Then her mother tells me, “I’m not leaving until I get my money back.  The girl who sold this to me told me I could get my money back if I returned it.  I don’t buy things I can’t return.”  I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  We hired a lot of new people and it is quite possible that they got confused about the policy, in which case I would have honored her request and lack of literacy and given her the money back, just to make her happy.  So I asked her if she remembered who it was, she couldn’t.  Luckily, our names are on the receipts when we ring people up.  I look at it.  CASHIER: JENN CUMMINGS.  Trifling. Hoe.

After I told her that it was me, she changed the story; that I didn’t tell her before she purchased it and it was my fault anyway.  That it was my job to tell people when items couldn’t be returned.  Not.  That’s why the policy is there.

No, the money did not go back on her card.  She exchanged it for a different shirt and complained the whole time about reading a sign so small and never coming back.  Have a great life, I hope I never see you again.  Then she told me to “get my shit together.”  I wanted to tell her to learn how to read, quit being a complete bitch, and stop lying to get $20 dollars, plus a few things that shouldn’t be said.  I didn’t.  I told her to have a great day, have a happy new year, and thank you for shopping with us .

#2. START THEM YOUNG

On my way out of the mall that day, I couldn’t wait to get home to normalcy.  I walked out of the employee exit and right into two police cars, two grown women wearing shower caps, and an 8-year old in a purple shirt with a glittery pink flower on it.  The girl was in handcuffs.  I pretended to tie my shoe.

I heard one of the ladies address the officer by name.  “Officer Kirk, you know she steal sometimes.  I can’t control it.”  He also knows her name, “Denita (or Benita, or something ending in ita), this is the second time this week.  It’s gotta stop.”  I untie and re-tie the other shoe.  I obviously couldn’t leave at this point!  “I’m not gonna take her in today, but if it happens again, she’s gonna come with me.”  Lady: “Praise Jesus!  My baby can’t go to jail yet!  Thank you, Kirk!  She gon’ stop!”  I couldn’t believe she said she can’t go to jail yet.  What does that even mean?!  Meanwhile, the little girl is sitting with her barrettes in her hair and her glittery shirt and all I can think is they probably taught her to steal.  Outrageous.  Absolutely outrageous. I didn’t hear the rest because I only have two feet and I can only tie and untie each shoe so many times before I’m blatantly eavesdropping.

So with that, two people earned a spot in the Crazy Town Neighborhood.

Write you soon,

Jenn